Sometimes I get so frustrated I feel like I’m choking because I’m not rich or well-connected and I have no idea how to make my dreams come true.
I work for a frickin pittance and that’s what consumes my existance. Well, to be more accurate, the need to work.
I know this girl. I know nothing about this girl. We worked together briefly, and we’re Facebook friends. She looks like she has it all, and I can’t help but to sometimes get so jealous of her. She has the job in her career path, she finished college in four years, she got engaged at her college graduation party.
During the ’08 election, she said things like “Well I’m sort of liberal now, but I’ll probably become more conservative as I make more money.”
And I thought, Wow. What’s that feel like? That expectation that things will go right in your life.
As a black woman, I’ve always been afraid of the conservative mindset because throughout the course of American history the conservative mindset has pretty much always been in direct opposition to my right to live and thrive.
I look at these people taking awesome trips over the summer, getting married, going out of the country to volunteer…and then I think about the $100 it’s going to cost me to get my passport, the $65 it’s going to cost me to get an initial consultation on my cavity since I don’t get any sort of benefits at my 39-hour-per-week-so-as-to-avoid-full-time-status job.
Then I think about my mom, who worked so hard to raise 2 kids on her own, often working two jobs while going to school. My mother, who finally doesn’t have to stick to a budget-calculated list when grocery shopping (one that often excluded pricier items like fresh fruit).
…And then I hear about that BP guy who wants his life back, since I guess it’s been consumed with him cleaning up his company’s mess now….
…and I just think What the Fuck.
And I know that as far as cards in life go, I still don’t have a bad hand (excuse the cliche!). I have autonomy, health, a full belly, a strong body, a loving support network of people who would never even think of telling me I can’t achieve my dreams…and then I can do it again.
These moments of What the Fuck are fleeting, but sometimes they get me down, man.
But my next paycheck is goin to my passport, even if it means I have to eat Ramen noodles or abuse my credit card.