See those legs leading to those mismatched socks? That’s the way I look today. Well, technically, since I won’t publish this till tomorrow, that’s the way I looked yesterday.
I spend a great deal of my days involved in some kind of crazy. Lookin crazy, feeling crazy, sometimes even smellin crazy. Yesterday, I had to walk a mile in 100 degree weather in a polyester shirt, then immediately after, go be around people. I felt so bad for those people; I know I smelt crazy.
From this point on, this post will probably seem, to some of you, pretty crazy. But there are some who will smell me and know my funk ain’t crazy–it’s just a natural reaction to hot weather and fabric that don’t breathe.
I had a dream last night that I married my ex. And no, this isn’t the guy who I mentioned before, this is the cause of my 2007-2008 annual breakdown (I seriously do have one every year). In the dream, I was marrying him because I didn’t want to end up alone, so I figured I’d go ahead and *lock it up
with the man who was willing to take me, even though I didn’t love him.
So we had a wedding and I wore a simple white shift and a bunch of people from my church were there.
But I knew, immediately, that I had made a mistake. Like, immediately after we exchanged “I dos,” I began to think about how every moment I spent married to this man was robbing me of the chance to be with the one who I would be excited to marry. And I kept seeing all these couples who were in these crazy-looking wedding dresses (in contrast to my shift I guess) and the women were laughing, and it just really drove the point home that every moment I spent married to this man was a minute that was being deducted from the time I would spend with my True Love. We only have a limited amount of time here, after all.
It was so pure and so clear that for a second, everything made sense. Of course I would be single right now, because every second I’m spending with the wrong guy is a second taken from the right one.
I found it encouraging because I have been in prayer with God throughout my 2010 annual breakdown, asking that He might give me understanding and insight about my situation. Not the attempts at understanding I make with my emotion-driven theories of how it’s in the Bible that a man will only seek out a woman once he’s bored with everything else going on and is a little horny [Genesis: Adam asked God for a mate once he saw the other animals doing what with their partners? I doubt they were talking], but a clear and more perfect understanding of the whys of my situations and annual breakdowns so that I don’t venture away from Him to find my answers.
despite all the cussing,
I’m pretty Christian.
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