Soaps and Post-Apocalyptical Retirement Plans

That ain't right


And no, I don’t mean soap operas.  

Though I do sometimes enjoy getting a 15-minute drama fix over lunch.  

No, what I mean is soap as in bodily cleanser. As in…isn’t it, like, volcano lava or something? I think I read that somewhere.  

At any rate,  

I have a mild obsession with soaps.  

I was trying to count the different types of soaps I own this morning in the shower. Sticking strictly to bar soap, and naming only the different types (not the number of bars I own of each type), I own Ayurvedic soap, seaweed soap, shea butter black soap, oatmeal soap, Dove sensitive soap, Tone soap and some other acne-treating organic shea butter we’ll-donate-$1-to-a-charity-through-the-purchase-of-this-soap, soap.  

I watched “Hoarders” yesterday. Anyone ever seen that show? About all the people whose addiction to stuff has pretty much destroyed their lives?  

Is this how it begins?  

That’s a lot of soap, guys.  

And I’m not even going to talk about the number of oils, shampoos, conditioners, perfumes and lotions that are all stashed on various shelves in my apartment.  

But I need all those different soaps! The Ayurvedic one is like stepping into a Spa. I’ve actually stopped wearing perfume because I don’t want anything messing up my Ayurvedic vibe–seriously guys, it’s sooo relaxing and my bathroom smells all Ayurvedic even when I come home after work. And the seaweed soap? I need that too! It’s an exfoliant and I read on the box it has restorative enzymes or something. Anyway, I heard that seaweed is like super nutritious and you know your skin’s your biggest organ–doesn’t it make sense that you would give it natural nutrients?  

And the organic black shea butter soap? It’s the end of summer guys–I have to make sure that the tans I got from the sun are properly infused with moisture and then evened out on my skin. The oatmeal and other fancy one? I don’t know–I haven’t opened them yet. But I heard that oatmeal baths where the business back in the day for treating body acne and stuff…I’ll admit, I’ve had pimples on places other than my face. But the Dove and Tone, those are the really important ones. Those are the ones that come in multiple packs, the ones I’m saving for something we all hope will never happen: 

The end of the world. 

Book of Eli-style. 

I’m not sayin I want it to happen, but that movie has taught us all that if it ever does, people are going to be very dirty and soaps are going to be treated as currency. I’m just sayin’. Those Dove and Tone bars might just be my retirement plan.  


4 responses to “Soaps and Post-Apocalyptical Retirement Plans

  1. I have often wandered about women and the wall of scents they have strategically organized throughout their homes. Its kinda scary… And on another note can I borrow a couple of bars? Just in case Denzel is right and I end up trying to help some injured woman in the street; only to find out im being setup and have to fight to death against a maniacal chainsaw wielding man and his gang of thugs.

  2. I’m pretty sure I’ll be rich in apocalyptic times. I have been stockpiling Taco Bell sauces (makes everything yummy!), Wet Naps, and have a very large collection of both random candles, and Bath & Body Works soaps and lotions. Though I should probably seriously start thinking of training with a bow and arrow too.

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