This afternoon, I had the experience of having one of my dearest friends look at me like I was off my head (a new phrase learned from a British colleague) when I vehemently explained why I was turned off by a young man hoping to present himself to me as a potential suitor. The face she made as I explained why I react violently to any potential suitor who, after I make any mention of cooking as one of my hobbies, promptly follows it with some kind of request that I cook for them, led me to wonder if, perhaps, I’m not being a bit critical of these young gentlemen.
There was a time when I was young and naiive (last year) when I considered it one of the highest honors to recieve the attentions of a young man. However, as I have grown, I have come to see that the attentions of the wrong young man can be something like a monkey’s paw–problematic.
Now I actually was (probably still am) really naiive, so I have had to learn how to discern the good ones from the bad ones by trial and error. So far, my best way of discerning it is by following my feelings–if I become enamored of you, you are probably a terrible human being.
But I would like to stop it before it goes that far. Because I when I fall, I fall hard. And when he reveals himself to be a terrible human being…well…it can get kinda ugly. Because I have a temper.
So I have compiled a list of red flags that tell me to cut off contact before I become enamored of you, you show yourself to be a terrible human being and I ride by your house at midnight with my girlfriends dropping eggs down your street. It’s just easier for everyone this way.
Anyway, I think all these are perfectly reasonable, but I have been told that I go kinda hard. So, submitted for your consideration, here are my biggest turnoffs, and what I think/how I react to a young man who exhibits them.
(these are in no particular order)
1) Calling me “sexy”: What I hear: …so I noticed you have a vagina. What I say: Ohh, so I’m sexy as opposed to vibrant, funny, beautiful or intelligent.
2) Calling me a “Nubian”: What I hear: The fact that you’re natural tells me that you must be a part of the “back to Africa” movement because that must be the only reason a woman would get rid of her relaxed hair. What I say: Um…I’m American. **Even though this one must be taken in context–there are some young men who genuinely understand what they’re saying when they call you a Nubian. But there then are others who just wanna show that they know a polysyllabic word. …and either way, it’s just not really my thing.
3) Giving yourself a nickname/Referring to yourself in the third person: What I hear: EGO ALERT EGO ALERT MY EGO IS OFF THE CHARTS What I say: (mind you, I have terrible taste) hmm…he feels mighty special. I’m intrigued…
4) Calling me any sort of pet name within our first few interactions: What I hear: Girls like pet names right? Makes em feel special? What I say: I try really hard to ignore this one because one of my aunts said it’s just too mean to tell someone not to call you babe but I always grind my teeth a little before replying.
5) Telling me you miss me after our, like, first or second interaction: *see above
6) Answering a question with a question. What I Hear: I am full of shit and I will never, never own up to it but I’ve figured out a way around it and that is by circumventing the art of conversation. What I say: You are full of shit.
7) Excessive use of “lol”: What I Hear: I mean what I’m saying to you right now, but in case you take offense I need a way to back out which means that I have no real views on anything and no sense of integrity. What I say: Depends on the situation.
8) Asking me to cook for you after I say I like to cook: What I hear: I am a cheap ass broke ass lazy ass bum ass dude who has no idea of the concept of dating or courting and probably wouldn’t care if I did because I’m the type of dude who will try to get what I can get from a girl and this is a cheap and functional way of gettin me some dinner and having her in a personal setting so maybe, maybe if I play this right I’ll be getting some “dessert” too. What I say: Usually something in varying degrees of rudeness.
…which is why my friend was looking at me like I was crazy when I was telling her that I couldn’t talk to that gentleman at all anymore.
Just like when my friend asked me if I thought use of the word “conversate” was a good enough reason to drop a dude.
I replied, “All the use of the word ‘conversate’ tells me is that I’mma have to pick you up for our dates.” **This one, too, must be taken in tandem with other factors. I know a few really quality guys who just happen to not have stuff straight with their cars for various reasons. For example, if you are a young college guy wasn’t given a car and has…you know…tuition to pay for, I’m not judging you not having a car. Shoot, my dad gave me a car. At the same time though, I doubt you’d be using the word “conversate.” Use of the word “conversate” tells me that the reason I’ll be picking you up for our dates is because you probably lost your license in some sort of substance abuse-related fashion. But, to hear you tell it, that cop was trippin, the judge was trippin and who has $300 for some stupid drug classes, plus reinstatement fees?! The whole system trippin.
….do I go too hard?
- Surprisingly, There Is No Favre Penis Here: The KSK Sex/Fantasy Football Mailbag (kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com)
- Dater X: Can Single Peeps And Those In Relationships Just Get Along? (thefrisky.com)
- thursday post about Dragon Age (righteousorbs.com)