***edit: I think I should clarify that this post was intended to express my peace with not dating, not make people sad that I’ve given up. I haven’t given up; I firmly believe that there is someone who I will have a very loving relationship with one day. I just don’t think I’ll find him through dating. And I’m ok with that.
I think it’s interesting how difficult it is for people to understand what I mean when I say I do not want to date.
This does not of course mean I don’t ever want to be in a relationship, but the concept of dating to me is so fake (or artificial: from L. artificium, “making by art, craft” derived from ars, or art (skill, craftsmanship, cunning) and facere: “do”) that my brain can’t process how meeting once a week and dressing in my best clothes and being on my best behavior and, more importantly, knowing that he is dressing in his best clothes and being on his best behavior, is going to lead me to a meaningful relationship.
But you have to make them date you, or else they won’t feel like they put in any work.
And believe me, there’s no way around that one. It is a platitude (from “plat”: flat; analogous to latitude and attitude); it is a truism. If you don’t make these dudes date you, they will treat you like anything else that’s just been given to them–they’ll take you for granted.
So now you see my conundrum (1590s Oxford University slang for “pedant”; con: swindle, as in conservative? I couldn’t make this stuff up people).
I don’t date because what I see of a person on a first or second date is usually not enough to make me want a second or third. I became friends with one of the best friends I made at my college because we were in a poetry group together and he was given at any moment to say things like “oh, my herpes are burnin today. Shouldn’ta had sex with that man for crack–wait. Yes I should have!” His propensity (pro: forward; pendere: hang) for making off-color statements like that in situations others would deem “inappropriate” was how I knew he would be one of my BFFs whether he liked it or not–and luckily, he liked it.
So obviously you on your best behavior bores me, and I don’t have the time to stick around until we’ve known each other long enough to be ourselves. I could be laying in my bed in my underwear eatin hot Cheetos, swigging cheap champagne out the bottle and watching “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia” on my laptop instead of making pained conversation with you at a place you suggested that is not somewhere I would normally go in a pair of jeans that I had to jump and yank at the same time to pull up.
Now on the flip side of this is dating someone you’ve gotten to know over time by being at a lot of the same places. Maybe you work together; maybe it’s church. Maybe your best friend used to date his line brother’s actual brother and you guys just found yourselves at the same person’s house a lot, and you guys suddenly noticed that he has boy parts and you have girl parts.
And so you start dating.
Ideal right? Bypasses all of the artifice of the acquaintance first date, he makes good date suggestions because you’re familiar with each others’ likes and dislikes and you already know he’s most likely not a murderer.
Well, if it works out,
Good for you.
But here’s why I don’t like the thought of dating someone who I already know and consider a friend: if it doesn’t work out, you lose a friend. And honestly, that really matters to me. Because I tried dating one of my friends once.
….long story short, we don’t talk anymore.
Not only did I have to get over the loss of someone I was beginning to open my heart to, but I also lost a person I would go to for the million other reasons you go to your friends, from comfort to diversion to companionship to geeking out the way only you and your really good friends will geek out when you’re together.
I didn’t have either anymore.
…and all at once, that’s kind of a big loss. For me at least.
But this post was not supposed to go into that. I was just going to say that I find it funny that people have no concept for a woman who just doesn’t want to date. I had a conversation with someone yesterday who I’ve told over and over that I don’t want to date anyone period and the first thing out of his mouth when we spoke was “how’s the man search?”
I’m not saying I never want to date, but right now my time is full of GREs and learning a new job and making a nice home for myself and laying the foundation for the future life I will have. If I spend all my time dating, the future I have will be one of dating. But if I focus my energies on creating the best possible life I can for myself, from being financially stable to pursuing a wide range of interests to creating a comfortable home for myself, then my future will be stable, interesting and comfortable, whether or not that involves a man.
P.S.: why does Zemanta assume I’m a lesbian?! Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but a good majority of my related articles this post are for lesbian relationships.
- A date shouldn’t be treated like a job interview (chicagonow.com)
- Lesbian Dating: Friendship or Relationship (lesbiandating.net)
- Dear Wendy: The Deal With Post-Breakup Friendships (thefrisky.com)