…so today the knife was twisted in my heart.
Maybe that’s being a tad dramatic.
Let me tell you a little something about me. I am of the mind that when similar things occur in a short time span, you need to pay attention because life (or God) is sending you a message.
I think mine this week is that things from my previous stage in life and disastrous relationships are wrapping themselves up. That stage is neatly tying its own loose ends and freeing me to enter my next stage.
I see things in circles, you see.
And so, to me, before any situation you’re passing through is truly over, it must come full circle. And this could be anything, from jobs to friends to romantic relationships. I kind of see it like, if you’re dealing with any sort of situation that engenders growth, once you start growing and moving through it, be on the lookout–you’re going to be confronted with it one last time.
And how you handle it will show you how much you’ve actually grown from it.
Think of the shape of a circle. You can either go around it and end up in the same place, or you can go through it and pass through its edge once on the way in and once on the way out.
This is why, when you’re moving past something, it will come back to you. It’s basically your exit exam (if you went to my school you should be laughing right now).
Now back to the twisting knife in my heart.
I took the practice GREs this Saturday. And in it, there was someone I’ll just go ahead and dubb ABD–Another Bad Decision. Long story short, I knew him from class and he seemed cool…definitely turned out to not be cool.
But he was in the practice GREs.
I actually saw him at registration, when I was sitting on couch across from the registration table trying to memorize 9th and 10th grade math in the 5 minutes before the test was scheduled to begin.
I saw him walking up and I just sort of shook my head because of course he would be there effin with my concentration.
And he saw me and I just kind of nodded at him (I was explaining the beauty of the acknowledgement nod to my friend the other day; it says yes, I’ve seen you. But no, we’re not friends). And so I saw him and nodded at him and he asked me for directions to the actual test room and I fought the urge to tell him to eff off and find his own damn way, you sonofab**** (but I digress). And we got to the test room and we sat down (not together) and I began to pray that this mofo’s presence didn’t disrupt my concentration because the GREs will not care if some stupid dude’s presence got my head all messed up before the test.
And I got the most beautiful calm, and the answer that I’m sharing with you now: circles. He’s there because I’m over it, not because it’s ongoing. He’s there because I’m moving out of that situation.
Which brings me to this morning. At the beginning of the year, I fell completely head over heels for someone who…yeah. About that.
…and as I’ve mentioned before, I’m not so good with the “It’s over, but sure! We can be friends!” thing.
I’m more of the “You tricked me and lied to me you muthereffer don’t go to sleep I wanna break something of yours now since you broke my heart!” type.
…but in a perfect world and with a better version of myself, I would really have liked to preserve a friendship with this dude because…well…for all the reasons that I fell completely head over heels for him.
So I Facebooked him a while ago (via message because I definitely defriended him in a sort of “yeah! Take that!” moment) basically saying that I was sorry that it ended badly and I would be open to being cool with him if he were open to being cool with me.
…to which he definitely didn’t reply.
…which definitely didn’t surprise me.
But in the part of my mind that’s foolish and wants to wrap herself in convenient versions of things, I thought maybe he just hasn’t been on facebook…this month.
Until this morning. When I saw that he had commented on one of our mutual friends’ statuses.
…so much for that one.
It kind of made me sad for a second, but it’s all circles, you know? I saw it because I guess I’m ready to move past it.
- All My Love, All My Life: Before the Ceremony… (weddingbee.com)
- Living Outside the Circle (stevenaitchison.co.uk)
- Metal Etiquette: a Ladies’ Guide to Concert-going (metalsucks.net)