A few nights ago, I was talking to one of my homeboys and he made a compelling analogy about his sentiments on singledom.
He said that, to him, being in a relationship was akin to being on house arrest, and that he would chop off his ankle to get that bracelet off and escape from those parameters.
And after I finished laughing my head off, I picked it up, screwed it back on and reminded myself not to ever get a crush on that one.
On the other side of this, I know two people whose relationships make me cringe. They both tell me the same things–how their partners are callous toward them; how they have adopted a nonchalant attitude to cope. How their arguments seem to only get bigger and continue unresolved.
And I am reminded why I am taking this journey of singleness.
Now I’m not saying there are no people with happy, normal relationships…but I wasn’t one of them. I could never separate the warm and fuzzies from the insecurities and the conventional wisdom that “men only want one thing” enough to tell the genuine dudes from the assholes.
And now that I feel that I am reasonably capable of doing that I have to deal with an even deeper and darker issue: I don’t really want to be with anyone.
Last night I was Skyping with one of my ex boyfriends from like 8 years ago. We’ve been Skyping for like 3 nights straight, just joking around and stuff for hours on end. The first night, he goes, “You know, you don’t seem like you want to be with someone ever.”
The second, he goes, “Let’s make a pact. If we’re both single at 50, we should get married.”
The third, he goes, “Let’s move that pact up.”
To which I agreed because I want to get married while I’m still capable of reproducing.
…but do I want to be with anyone at all, ever?
That question kind of resonates with me. See, I consider myself sort of a one-man wolf pack….
I agreed to the pact with my friend because I want a family one day and I know that he would be a good one to have a family with. I couldn’t see him leaving his kids or me for any reason, and he has the kind of inner strength that will get you through a lifetime.
(…not that I’m taking the pact seriously or anything)
Plus I like him. He’s as smart as me and makes me laugh.
…but I have this aunt. Her name is Aunt Judy. And instead of settling down and having kids, she stayed single her entire life.
And she is just about the most completely kick ass lady who ever walked the face of this planet. She literally has led the life I want to lead. She had a career teaching English in Japan for years; now that she’s retired, she spends her time road trippin or going on cruises. She varnishes wood, she gardens, she’s educated, she’s creative, she’s loving, she’s vibrant…and she is completely single.
And I just think she’s so bad ass.
I have speculated in my mind many reasons why she would be single and childless, but I’ve never asked. I guess it never mattered to me–the point is that this woman is the freaking epitome of awesomeness in my mind.
You want to know what my problem is?
I want both.
Not even just with this–with everything. Surf or turf?
Liquor or beer?
Red sweater or blue sweater?
Optimal health or couch potato?
I want both.
I want what I want and it doesn’t matter if they’re two conflicting things.
I was telling one of my friends yesterday that one of the things I find frustrating about working full time is trying to work in things like going to the bank or post office.
And he goes “why would you want to go to the bank or post office? You’re only saying that because you feel like you can’t–if you were in a position where you could go to the bank or post office whenever, you’d find something else to complain about.”
And I’m stubborn so I argued with him for a little bit but he’s really perceptive and a PhD student to boot so I just had to drop the rouse–I pretty much just want whichever thing it seems like I can’t have.
I don’t know.
When my friend and I were having our marriage conversation, I began asking him the things I think any person needs to know before agreeing to a marriage: What’s your credit score like; Here are the exact specifications to the ring I will want; What will make you divorce someone; Oh by the way I’m not marrying you if you have to finance those rings.
And he goes “Damn girl, you are cold and calculated. You want to know what I’ll ask before I get married?”
To which I replied, “No.”
“Does she make me happy.”
And I said, “Well how the hell do you ever expect to be happy with those kinds of vague standards.”
- One response to Why I’m not married by Tracy Mcmillian: CNN.com (guiseeves.wordpress.com)
- Carey Mulligan is ‘Practical Romantic’ (inquisitr.com)
- Bullish: Picking a Boyfriend Who Doesn’t Hold Back Your Career or Bank Account (thegloss.com)