High School Heart

Next Day’s Note: Um…I was pretty buzzed when I wrote this…so just bear that in mind as you read…

 

A couple weeks ago I went to the movies with my friend for the first time and he handed me my ticket stub. “In case you want to keep it,” he joked.

And I shrugged it off. “I don’t keep ticket stubs,” I said while both rolling my eyes and pocketing that stub for safekeeping.

A few days later I was going through my pockets, my purses, my wallet searching for that stub because I hadn’t meant to, but I lost it, and that really kind of made me sad.

It made me sad on two accounts. For one, OK, yes, I’m a cornball. I like this dude and I wanted to keep the damn ticket stub in spite of myself.

But it also made me sad because it made me grieve for the part of me that my actual romantic experiences have stomped out: the part that sees an..er..excursion with a guy I like as the potential for something that I would one day want to look back on step-by-step; something I would want to have mementos, tokens, cataloging how it developed.

Life experience has made me very aware of the fact that the way I would ideally like to function in romantic situations is very…ineffective.

See, I grew up on Disney and The fucking Notebook. Everything was special. You kept all that shit because everything was special. You had a little box full of his notes and your ticket stubs and you looked over them when he was away and you swooned. This is the shit that was in my head when I started dating.

And what happened?

That’s what happened to my heart.

Fuckin knocked over.

So I accept that. I can’t deal with these dudes like that–I can’t go into this with an open heart and hopes for what we could be. I have to detach; I have to date multiple dudes at the same time; I have to accept that we could be having a great time together or whatever but he could just be on that bullshit. Or shit, so could I. I can’t meet a dude, decide he’s wonderful, fill my third period notebook with doodles of my married name and sketches of my wedding dress and our seating arrangements. I can’t be debating how many kids we’re going to have mentally and I can’t be naming them or telling myself that he can name the boys.

I get that.

But tonight, just tonight, I am grieving for that girl. I don’t want to give up the idea of meeting someone, being caught up in the flush and treating everything like it’s special. But I must.

Still, I wish I’d kept that ticket stub.

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2 responses to “High School Heart

  1. I feel sad for you.
    The more that I interact online with a generation younger than mine, the more I feel that we as women have given up something valuable within ourselves by giving so much of ourselves to guys we date.
    Then, as you say, there is the aftermath in the hurt of the moment of vowing to be more heartless and less vulnerable.
    This is only my personal opinion, but I believe the answer doesn’t lie in either dating more guys at the same time or saving every ticket stub, but in making sure that a guy is special enough to deserve a piece of your heart before letting him become so intimate and sharing so much of yourself. I think that we lose a little bit of our ability to be close or to hold on to our precious self-worth when we allow too many people to have access to our private selves. I know that I am older and I hope that I am wiser for the experience of living and watching the lives of others, but take what you can use from my thoughts, and leave the rest.
    Jodi

  2. I agree with what you say about making sure that the guy is special enough to get close–I will readily admit that I was a character-judging failure at the start of my dating experience. However, I have also been able to experience healing, and that won’t let me believe that I have lost anything within myself. Our true selves are eternal and unshakable–there is no event on Earth that will remove from me who I truly am, even if my reactions to events cause me to lose touch with my true self for a while. But it is always there and I can always reestablish that connection when I’m ready to take that walk of healing. I do think that allowing too many people access to our private selves diminishes its value not only in our eyes but in theirs as well, but again this is not permanent–it is nothing that a little self forgiving and time away to get centered again won’t fix. We go through stages of growth and development for different reasons.If I hadn’t experienced what I’d experienced, I would never be able to be happy and at peace in the way that I am right now, and in the end if all of those things led me to this present moment right now, then I think that’s the most important thing. So there’s no need to feel sad for me =)

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