25: The Moment I Decided I Had Swag, I Did

I turned 25 this month, and my motto for this year is “more money, less stupid” because for the first time in my adult life I actually feel less stupid than I did this time last year PLUS I am living a little more comfortably.

What more could a person even ask for?

People ask me how I’m doing and I feel like I’m being one of those jerks when I respond, “freaking fantabulous. I love my program, my internship, where I live, I look good, I feel good and I have great relationships with my friends and family members.”

What. A. Jerk. (OK maybe I don’t have to be so detailed about how every aspect of my life is awesome–but I’m grateful to God that it is and I want to express that gratitude!)

Or worse, what a “oh yeah, welcome to Facebook, where everyone’s life is perfect POSER.”

I can’t help it though guys–I’m really happy right now. And I want to enjoy it because I know that not everyone gets to experience this magic synchronicity in life where they like everything about their life and also because I know that there will come times when everything is not awesome, and I really want to have the memories of how good I feel right now to sustain me.

I just turned 25, and I must say I’ve learned a lot this year. I guess that’s part of why I’ve been silent lately (not blogging–the other is because I didn’t like how my blog had degenerated into a chronicle of my thoughts about boys; I told myself I wasn’t going to blog again until I had something other than boys to talk about).

Part of what I’ve learned this year is to hold myself together. To keep some things in (haha even if that seems hard to believe due to the word vomit-ie nature of this blog). I was drawn to writing when I was younger because I wasn’t really raised in an environment where children were even considered as having things to express–writing was often the only medium I had to say the unsayable, if you will permit me a little creativity in language. When I discovered this new electronic medium of self-expression that was constantly accessible and in the written form, it really permitted me to go balls to the wall in expressing my every thought and feeling.

The past summer, though, I’ve been really coming to a place of quiet in myself, more than I’ve ever been before, and as a result I’ve started to find less and less of what I think to be things that could be the subject of blogs, tweets, fb statuses and the like.

It’s a subtle change, and one that many of my friends probably wouldn’t even really believe because I’m still just as talkative and bubbly with them as ever, but I guess I’ve started to understand that you only share some things with some people.

This, my friends, I believe is the beginning of self-restraint. And that’s probably the most important thing I’ve learned this past year–a little self-restraint. Am I a master at it? By no means. I spent my last $18 last night on some chicken tenders and wings in response to a massive meat craving (I only eat 1 meat a day now and it works fine for a day or two, but I always rebound with these powerful meat cravings) just last night. I got a long way to go.

But I can tell by the way people respond to me that I have come a pretty far already. Little things just dropped in casual conversation that show the way they view me, things like “Oh, but I already know you would never….” And in my head I’m half-laughing because if they only knew me 2 years ago. But they’re right. Me at 25 would never [insert action that is so foolish that a 24-year-old might do it but a 25-year-old has learned her lesson and outgrown–say impulsively get married?? =P ]

That feels good. More money less stupid. Every effing year. I wish the same for all of you too.


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