Monthly Archives: June 2012

Straight-Hair Gyal

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So I’ve been natural for like three years. If you peep the avi, you’ll see what that looks like. At least, if I do a twist-out anyway. And the photo above is the result of like 4 hours with a flat-iron last night. So for today, in this Virginia Summer Humidity, I am struggling to remain a straight-hair gyal. It’s a true pain-in-the-ass; however, (yes, that really did feel like it warranted a semicolon), I hadn’t seen myself with straight hair since November and I was itching to see how much it had grown, plus it needed a trim, etc. etc. 

But I really said all that to say this: I was talking to this Asian guy on friday who I think is so cute, but he is not really aware of the fact that I am a datable woman. He just doesn’t see me like that. And I was telling him that I don’t really get a lot of guys from other races to look at me. They more like look through me (hint hint). And he told me that’s because I need to style myself in a way that appeals to other races.

His examples: Beyonce and Alicia Keys, two black women who are appealing to other races. He says the reason why is because they have managed to somehow transcend their blackness; that you look at them and you’re not even aware of the fact that they’re black. Which is what makes them attractive. Ipso facto to get guys from other races to see me as attractive, I have to negate my physical blackness.

Ya following?

It’s my blackness that makes me unattractive to other races.

And also I’ll probs have to straighten my hair.

And I mean I took it with a grain of salt; that’s my friend and he was being honest. 

But damn. 

This is why I stay natural.

Truth be told I DON’T feel nearly as pretty or put-together with my ‘fro. It has shot my confidence way down these past 3 years–my entire life, I’ve been the girl with “pretty hair.” Now I’m the girl who would be pretty if I would do something with that hair. It don’t feel good.

But the way other people see my hair is fucked up too. I have a neighbor who damn near drooled on himself when he saw my hair straight. Before, with my curls, I was alright. But now we can’t be friends till I get those curls back–with straight hair I’m too gorgeous and tempting for his married ass.

It’s fucked up. We are like the only race of women whose hair that naturally grows out of their head is considered fundamentally ugly (that’s a sweeping generalization. Forgive me). I am a woman who, unless I radically alter the texture of my hair, is considered less attractive, unpolished, not put-together.

I feel all of these things when I look in the mirror at my fro.

But I also feel like it’s so fucking wrong that I’m made to feel like that that I just can’t give in and relax (straighten permanently) it. Society will just have to deal with me and my fro and hopefully little by little people’s eyes will be trained so that eventually they will be able to look at me and other natural women like me and see that we are beautiful, we are polished, and we actually spend a fuck ton of time and money on these damn afros. Do you have any idea how much natural hair products cost?! Ridick!

I’m done. 

 

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I can feel your nothing

So like i just now discovered Lana Del Rey. I know, I know. Hot mess. I was out of the country for two weeks last month, if it helps. Anyway I was listening to her song Blue Jeans and it inspired me to write this:

Sometimes I think I will love you forever

But then I get impatient with myself because I can literally feel your nothing

I can feel you feeling nothing toward me

And that makes me so fucking angry at myself.

So I blocked you.

Because you won’t even notice but I’ve noticed you not noticing that I’m having a great time without you and you not noticing is piercing me with the sharp edges of your nothingIcanfeelitIcanfeelyournothingIcanfeelyour nothingI.can.feel.your.nothing I

can feel your

nothing.

The Awesome List

So ever since that movie came out, I’ve been hearing a lot Bucket Lists. Everybody has one and it’s a really common question to ask folks on dates and whatnot now. But I’m not bout that life. I don’t particularly care to have a list of things that I need to do before I’m OK kicking the bucket (wait–kicking a bucket might just go on my awesome list). 

Instead, I have a list of things that are awesome that I want to do. It’s called The Awesome List, and it’s not really a list. It’s just stuff that I’ve always wanted to do but never done for some reason. I feel like it puts awesomeness into the forefront of my mind, rather than death. Or buckets, which really just make me think of mopping and leaking roofs. And death, mopping and leaking roofs all suck.

It’s really quite contradictory. 

I don’t know. After the semester ended, I got really down. Like really really down. Like friends were calling my mom and coming to sit with me in my apartment because they were concerned about me down. Thank God it was like the week before my Central America trip, which was able to snap me out of that downness with the power of awesome. Though I can see it in my pictures from the first half of the trip, by the end of Belize I was back and I was surfing a wave of awesome.

And that was the start of The Awesome List. And so far since I’ve been home I’ve gone skydiving, tubing, tango dancing and made a super cute video. Next up is the gun range, white water rafting, jet skiing, surfing and zip lining in Costa Rica. Plus I went with my mom to a flight lesson I got her for Christmas, which was also really awesome because she loved it (so of course a flight lesson of my own is also on The Awesome List).

I know everyone is different, but for me this Awesome List just serves to make me feel so good and have such a good time that it reminds me that what I’m dealing with isn’t the only thing out there. Plus, I don’t want to be one of those old people who is skydiving for the first time because it’s on their bucket list–I want to be one of those old people who is wearing a squirrel suit because I’ve been skydiving THAT many times because for me, awesome is a lifestyle, not a one-time thing.

I’m just saying. Now is the time to be who you’ve always wanted to be and do what you’ve always wanted to do.

Call Us, Maybe??

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KOJfPW3jxrg&feature=youtube_gdata

Customer Service Makes Me Want to Steal

A while back I was at Target and I saw some awesome fluffy purple slip-ons made of sweater material. It was maybe like two weeks ago and they were clearly the last pair in the store. It was an awesome find. I inspected them and realized they had no tag, no SKU number and no price. A little voice crept into my head, probably the same one that urges on my other crazy thoughts, and told me to steal them. It told me I could wear those shoes out and, aside from looking pretty crazy, there would be absolutely no consequences. I told that voice no; I am a functioning member of society and I will take these shoes to the cash register and persuade the cashier to let me legally purchase them for no more than $5.

Well.

I get to the register. As I already pointed out, there was no SKU number, tag or price, so they couldn’t look them up. I told them to just ring them up misc and I’d pay $5. What should have been simple turned into me waiting at the register for more than 10 minutes as they attempted to look them up, called the manager, etc.

I left sans shoes and wishing I would have just stolen them.

Today I went to the corner store and, OK, my main reason for it was to get a handful of the (free!) plastic forks and spoons they have sitting in a basket. But I didn’t feel right about just taking the spoons–I figured I’d better buy something to make it a little less tacky. So I go and gets me a coconut water because I am a sucker for all the latest health trends, and I makes my way to the register.

Crickets.

There was nobody there.

I could hear someone shuffling in the back and I called out “hello” a couple times. 

Nothing.

Finally, I focus my attention on the two employees who were on the floor doing inventory. Eventually I caught the eye of one and she finally rang me up.

All I could think was “I could have put this coconut water down and walked out with my spoons OR stolen the coconut water too and gotten away with either!”

I am TRYING to purchase things legally–why are these people making it so hard??

Skydiving was…

crazy terrifying exhilarating nauseating 50-seconds-of-screaming oh-my-god-im-flying beautiful cold tranquil my-entire-life-depends-on-this-harness warm again small-talk-with-the-instructor is-that-my-shadow what-color-is-my-parachute nauseating i-can’t-believe-this-is-actually-happening giddy ohthankGodi’malive

next up: Zip Lining. In Costa Rica.

…YOLO? Is that appropriate here? Nope, I got a better Drake song:

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(me and K, my partner in crime)

Crazy Thoughts

Today I was talking to my dad about someone in my life who you could say is suffering from crazy thoughts. My dad told me that everyone had crazy thoughts; this person’s problem wasn’t the thoughts, it was that this person never developed that secondary thought that says, “wait. This isn’t such a good action to take.”

In solidarity with this person and those crazy thoughts, I thought I’d share some of my own crazy thoughts that occurred to me (disturbingly frequently and fluently) as I was walking around a local festival today.

Upon seeing a woman trying to balance two baskets of chicken tenders: I should knock those over.

Upon seeing a man stretching his arms upward: What if I just tickled that man?

And there were several others involving things like taking the leashes of leashed children and jumping in people’s photos (or knocking the cameras out of their hands) or just walking up to people and taking their hats/taking food off their plates.

And of course, la piece de resistance (or however you spell that): While in Wal-mart after the festival, upon seeing some beef jerky, which just happens to be a fave snack of a guy I used to be involved with: I should buy some beef jerky and put it on his doorstep. Turn some shit he genuinely enjoyed into a THREAT. 

That’s the one I seriously considered, weighing out the pros and cons and eventually deciding that, if nothing else, it was just too not actually a thing I ought to really do in real life.

I’m just saying. We all have crazy thoughts. Or at least I have crazy thoughts. I just don’t act on them.