Sunday night I was broke and bored.
I have been spending a lot of time by myself lately due to that strange lull in a student’s schedule called “summer break” where one does not have classwork, yet is still only employed part time. From June to last week, I was taking this crazy-intense summer class and while I was doing that my friends who live down here all collectively either moved, or we just drifted apart.
Which brings me back to my opening statement: Sunday night I was broke and bored.
For a while now, I have been thinking that I should get into baking, but I just never took the time to do it. Learning to do anything new is rough; I remember when I was learning to cook–my old friends can attest to the now-infamous “sabatasseurole”–lasagna before I knew to pre-cook the noodles.
I didn’t want to start all over again now that I possess a level of competence in cooking that makes me reasonably certain that anything I cook will be edible, and possibly even palatable.
But Sunday night I was bored and broke.
I emphasize the broke because I really need y’all to understand why I decided to make blueberry muffins sans eggs. Or milk. Or applesauce. Or the knowledge that you can substitute mayonnaise for eggs and oil (uh derh! it’s so obvious once you think about what mayonnaise actually is e.g. eggs and oil). Or any type of measuring utensils.
And why in my mind I figured I could substitute coconut oil for, like, everything.
You’re laughing, so I’ll just show you the photo:
Naturally I decided to post this photo on facebook because I am a person who believes in sharing the successes and the failures.
And naturally I got ate up.
Here are some of the comments I received:
“YO I CAN”T STOP LAUGHING”
“LMAO LMAO LMAO LMO…i imagine theyre cookies?? what did you miss?”
“haha!! wow. that is hilarious. thanks Bryoney! :)”
Now at first I was laughing too, but as the comments continued, I realized I would have to redeem myself.
Have all of the necessary ingredients.
Step 2: For Good Measure (Know Your Fractions)
Unlike cooking, which is approximately two parts art and one part science, level-1 baking is exactly 2 1/2 teaspoons science, 1/2 teaspoon art. Make sure you have teaspoon-measuring devices, and for the love of GOD don’t confuse teaspoons with tablespoons.
Step 3: Back-Up Plan
Make sure you actually substitute stuff for stuff that you can actually substitute stuff for stuff for. E.G. applesauce = vegetable oil = yummy muffins. Coconut oil =/= eggs = what you saw above.
Step 4: Use a recipe.
I didn’t take a photo of this one, but seriously guys.
Use a recipe.
Unless you can just feel it out…you can’t just feel it out. I refer you to step two for confirmation.one store and one store only and that one store did not have blueberries. They had strawberries for $2.99 (too expensive) and raspberries for $3.99 (way too expensive). But I was on the road to redemption, and nothing was going to stand in my way. Step 6: If You Can’t Take the Heat, Get Out of the Kitchen Note: putting flower in your muffin pan instead of oil makes you look like a level-5 baker since I vaguely remember my grandmother telling me that putting a little flour at the bottom of a pan makes the dough not stick. Step–wait. What step are we on now? Step whatever: Wait. And take an artie photo of your footprint in flour because you somehow managed to get flour somewhere where you would normally step. Just a few feet (choice of word deliberate) away from the vacuum–but no. We don’t stop to clean. We trek on, for the road to redemption is arduous. And messy. But persistence pays. And redemption is so sweet. Oh, and the most important step. Step final: Ignore the fact that your kitchen is now a complete disaster.