I’m sitting in the library trying to study for orals, and so of course I was reading all of my friends’ blogs and I realized that for the first time in nearly two months I am sitting at my computer not feeling stressed out or rushed (though I probably should be doing that whole study for orals thing).
So I decided to do a general update.
But first, a warning: this post probably won’t be clever. And at times, it will probably verge on despair. But it is what it is and what it is is an update.
I have a friend who just started grad school this semester and he called me a couple weeks ago and asked me if I am ever STRESSED like he’s stressed. At the time, I was actually dealing with a stress-induced rash on my throat, so the answer is of course yes. Especially this semester, which in two months has taken me through my emotional gamut. I have been panicked, I have despaired, I’ve been embarrassed, frustrated, angry, discouraged, self-conscious, WAY more awkward than I thought I was, LATE (all the time!), sad, sleepy, and just overall I have been struggling with something I am completely not used to feeling in this sphere, and that is inadequate.
It’s funny how things shift, because as I’ve moved to conquer my feelings of inadequacy in relationships, this whole other like vortex of inadequacy has opened and into it I have PLUNGED, taking all of my elementary-school “I WANT EVERYONE TO LIKE ME” feelings along for the fall.
I told this man yes. Grad school? Yes. There is a reason why some people have nervous breakdowns in grad school. I want to burst into tears like twice a day,
But I don’t.
And he actually got on me a little because he said that I don’t talk about those feelings enough, and that it would help him to know that it sucks for me too and that the suck and despair is normal.
So I’ve been trying to do that (and clear the rash on my throat).(which has been clearing up nicely, thanks to olive oil).
I have been forced to admit that I am not superwoman and I cannot do everything, which is always something that I HATE to admit, but at the same time has given me this crazy intense sense of relief. It’s my last semester. I have to get through October and November, and all of the suck that will entail, and then a whole new chapter of my life will be opened.
I will say that at this moment, I don’t think that chapter will involve school.