It’s 2:17 a.m.
I have to be to work at 8.
I. am. WIDE awake.
Like, wide awake.
Why, you ask? Do I not have things to do tomorrow?
Au contraire, I actually have to work from 8 to 4:30, then I teach.
I am awake because I have finally managed to confer upon myself the urgency of my situation: that I will be taking Orals on November 29 and I NEED TO PASS THEM TO GET MY DEGREE. I have my Korea interview Thursday, and I have my practicum, which I just generally need to not suck at and catch up with because I am a little behind.
So I’m up. My mind is like Gottastudy gotta lessonplan gotta typeshit gotta study.
Gotta think about the past 8 years of my life.
Gotta plan my halloween costume.
I think maybe two nights ago I was driving home.
And this is a pretty tough period for me, and the past couple weeks have been particularly tough because of some family issues.
So I think maybe two nights ago I was driving home and I was sad, and I was thinking about the past five years.
And I was thinking that I want them back.
I was asking myself things, like if I would take this path again.
And in that moment the answer was no. And in this moment the answer is those kinds of questions are pointless, but really why am I getting a Master’s Degree in Linguistics?
And what was really so bad about working at the bank? What if I had just stayed; what if I had worked it out with my boyfriend at the time; what if I had worked full time and taken one finance course at a time so that I would graduate with a degree, no debt and work experience?
What if I hadn’t bought into the “follow your heart” thing that has led me to debt.
And it certainly has seemed uncover more personal issues/conflicts than it has solved.
Should I be content right now? Because I’m mostly just afraid that I have all of this debt and no clue what I’m going to do because now that I’m doing my practicum I’m even more sure that teaching isn’t for me–I’m too self-conscious. And have you ever met a linguist? I don’t want to be one of those.
I want to cook.
These days, it’s the only time I feel like a content human being who is satisfied with the amount of work she’s putting in and the outcome.