the plan

I don’t think I’ve ever met a person who was just like “you know what I handle really well? Uncertainty.” So I don’t want to act like I’m just so special in stating that I don’t handle uncertainty well,

but I don’t.

My job will cease to exist in about a month. I have to pass Orals to get my Master’s Degree on November 29. I have to move out of my apartment by Dec. 31.

I have a lot of uncertainty in my life right now.

But there was one shining beacon in all of this, and that was the fact that I was going to teach English in Korea in March. It was done. Set. Interview went well, I was accepted, documents were together, plans to travel the U.S. and crash on folks’ couches for the ensuing three months were in effect.

….until I lost a document.

My criminal background check. The document that EVERYONE emphasizes the importance of obtaining early. Of obtaining multiple copies. Because this document can take up to a month and a half to get, and these positions are first-come, first-serve.

Mine has disappeared.

For the past couple of days, I have been trying to cope with this fact. First, I have been trying to accept the reality of the situation. It’s truly gone.

Second, I have been trying to impart on the people whom I have shared this with, that this is indeed a real-life tragedy. Travesty.

But it comes out like

“I lost a document.”

And that just doesn’t sound like a big deal.

But to me I didn’t just lose a document, I lost my one piece of certainty during an otherwise-trying time. The past few months have been hard, but it was about to be all worth it.

And now I don’t know again.

Not that I ever really knew,

You know?

To be honest, I’m not completely sure that teaching in Korea is right for me. Or that teaching is right for me. I only know that I made up my mind that this was going to be the next step, and I relentlessly pursued it.

But it’s always something small that happens…and it serves as a reminder that I can only control things to a certain extent. I can ruthlessly pursue this goal, but I could lose a piece of paper, and that could set things in motion to force me to pursue another path.

And again I am brought back to the thought that it’s not necessarily about barging through one door, it’s about knocking on a bunch of doors and the ones that open are the ones you go through.

 

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One response to “the plan

  1. Love this. The “plan” isn’t always a plan. Oh how I know this all too well, but things always come together. You’ll see.

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