I don’t think I’ve ever met a person who was just like “you know what I handle really well? Uncertainty.” So I don’t want to act like I’m just so special in stating that I don’t handle uncertainty well,
but I don’t.
My job will cease to exist in about a month. I have to pass Orals to get my Master’s Degree on November 29. I have to move out of my apartment by Dec. 31.
I have a lot of uncertainty in my life right now.
But there was one shining beacon in all of this, and that was the fact that I was going to teach English in Korea in March. It was done. Set. Interview went well, I was accepted, documents were together, plans to travel the U.S. and crash on folks’ couches for the ensuing three months were in effect.
….until I lost a document.
My criminal background check. The document that EVERYONE emphasizes the importance of obtaining early. Of obtaining multiple copies. Because this document can take up to a month and a half to get, and these positions are first-come, first-serve.
Mine has disappeared.
For the past couple of days, I have been trying to cope with this fact. First, I have been trying to accept the reality of the situation. It’s truly gone.
Second, I have been trying to impart on the people whom I have shared this with, that this is indeed a real-life tragedy. Travesty.
But it comes out like
“I lost a document.”
And that just doesn’t sound like a big deal.
But to me I didn’t just lose a document, I lost my one piece of certainty during an otherwise-trying time. The past few months have been hard, but it was about to be all worth it.
And now I don’t know again.
Not that I ever really knew,
To be honest, I’m not completely sure that teaching in Korea is right for me. Or that teaching is right for me. I only know that I made up my mind that this was going to be the next step, and I relentlessly pursued it.
But it’s always something small that happens…and it serves as a reminder that I can only control things to a certain extent. I can ruthlessly pursue this goal, but I could lose a piece of paper, and that could set things in motion to force me to pursue another path.
And again I am brought back to the thought that it’s not necessarily about barging through one door, it’s about knocking on a bunch of doors and the ones that open are the ones you go through.