Spending the holiday alone is not for the feint of heart.
Of course, I wasn’t “alone” alone…I spent quite a bit of time with good friends.
Still, because I didn’t go home to my family, and because we were off from school and work since Wednesday at noon and because I have been spending an inordinate amount of time shut away in my apartment poring over books in preparation for orals,
I sort of spend this holiday alone.
And that is not for the feint of heart.
Spending a family holiday more-or-less alone really puts you in contact with yourself. Especially when you’re in a quiet study environment. Things catch up to you that you didn’t even know you were running from just because it’s either contemplate life or make these phonology charts…and procrastination over everything.
It’s put me face-to-face with the notion of moving on.
It’s funny how it’s so easy to move on….outwardly. And yet have no idea how to move on inwardly.
I’m a clutcher. My heart is wrapped so tightly around people and experiences and failures, even years after I have stopped speaking about them and even stopped thinking about them.
When I was in undergrad, I tried to get into my school’s graphic design program. Without getting into all the reasons why this was a really ill-conceived idea for me (for example the fact that art/design had never to that point been something I’d done with great practice), let me just tell you about how long I dwelled on the fact that I didn’t get in.
Even after I realized that being a graphic designer required a level of detail and patience that I found to be extremely frustrating (…and then I went to grad school for Linguistics, go figure)
Even after I went on to take another class (the art of bookmaking) that I found to be fantastic and refreshing and creatively stimulating
Even after I found a job that actually allows me to apply what limited skills I did end up garnering in graphic design,
I still held onto that experience of failure.
And the way I know this is not that I think about it all the time. It’s in how I think about it when it does cross my mind. With a sense of defeat.
Last night I was talking to one of my best friends from childhood, and I was telling him that it sucks because people move on and I don’t, and he quite simply said that ambitious people move on. And that if you don’t move on, you’re lost.
I didn’t like that. We were g-chatting, so I replied with a and then quickly moved to cover it up. “Yeah, you know, I used to didn’t move on but now I do because I found me” etc. etc. etc.
And I almost convinced myself of that, until today, when an experience with someone from my past showed me an area of my heart that was still quite bitter, even after years, even after not speaking about it, even after not thinking about it, even after thinking that I meditate now and it’s cool; I’ve learned to let things go.
But moving on outwardly is different than moving on inwardly, which I guess is the reason why outwardly ambitious people can still be so lost sometimes.
I don’t know how to move on inwardly. I guess, as with all things, awareness is the first step?