OK. So I’m not gonna lie.
When I was under all of that pressure from Orals,
it was easy to not drink.
I needed a clear head for that; there are other ways to manage stress (Yoga, anyone? Praise Jesus for that, man), etc.
But now I’ve passed Orals and I’m in a new realm:
I want to drink to celebrate.
It’s funny. It’s easy for my mind to dismiss turning to the bottle when I’m stressed as unhealthy. It’s much more difficult for my mind to dismiss poppin open the champagne cuz I passed Orals, beyotch!
I deserve it, is what I keep saying to myself.
We pop open bubbly to celebrate, plays my inner loop. It’s what we do. I wouldn’t even get drunk off of one glass, says my inner loop. This is the good part about quitting before becoming an alcoholic, says my inner loop. You can handle one drink.
Only, the thing is I suspect that if I have that one drink it won’t be long before I’m back to my old drinking habits,
and those are just not good habits, especially not in the long term. I’d rather be sober than to have to worry about managing that, especially given my family history.
And so I have a bottle of champagne that my friend gave me, and I drink it with my eyes. I look at it.
I don’t open it.
I will probably give it to my friends and let them sip it,
while I pop my own bottle of bubbly [sparkling Pear Juice]. Because there are other ways to celebrate, and really it’s more about the ceremony than it is about the feeling anyway.
I already feel good; I passed Orals!! Shoot I don’t need no alcohol to enjoy that.
On the plus side of not drinking, though,
I am starting to feel really good. Like, physically. Like, in terms of my energy levels. It’s difficult to describe exactly,
except that I’ve started waking before my alarm again.
When I was a kid, I always woke just a few minutes before my alarm. Like my body always knew what time it was, and I could trust it to wake me. My alarm was my back up, but I almost never needed it. If I had to wake at 7, my body would wake me at like 6:58.
This happened, without fail, for years.
Except that in recent years, it hasn’t.
I assumed it was because I was tired, like adult life tired, as opposed to kid life tired.
But now, I don’t think that’s it, because for the past few days, I’ve been waking before my alarm again. And sometimes I am exhausted. And sometimes I am coursing with energy. But all times I check my alarm and it’s mere minutes before I was “supposed” to wake.
It makes me wonder if drinking was somehow suppressing my biorhythms or something like that. I don’t know…I’m not a..whatever one would need to be to know something like that. I don’t even know what they’re called.
All I know is that I am starting to feel really, really good. The sugar cravings, which apparently is a pretty common thing for people who have quit drinking, are starting to subside, and I am just starting to feel energetic in a way I haven’t felt for years.
This is only two months in. I still haven’t decided whether this is a forever-type quit. For now, I just say I will reevaluate in the new year. But I am starting to suspect this probably will be a long-term quit. That is just not who I am anymore, nor is it who I want to be.