15 Signs You’re Single…and FABULOUS

I’m calling you out, @thoughtcatalogue.

Most of the time I can read your mid-twenties lifestyle articles and either relate, or only slightly meh. Even the convoluted, contrived, unoriginal mixed-up mess of your “a black guy in white twitter” article only made me slightly meh.

But now you’ve gone too far.

Let me say this once and loud so that everyone can hear me:

BEING SINGLE IS FABULOUS. STOP TREATING IT LIKE IT’S OTHERWISE.

Thought Catalogue,

I really find offense with your “15 Heartbreaking Signs that You’re Single.” Stop contributing to the culture of lamenting our singleness. Example: “It’s so obvious that you’re single based on your food purchases that even the checkout lady feels sorry for your single ass.” What the fuck does this even mean? I feel sorry for the checkout lady because while I’m cooking my fabulous single dinner consisting of exactly what I want with all the exotic ingredients my “guys” would never try at the spiciness level that I LOVE (but they find somewhat emasculating),  she’s working on her feet at a job that most likely doesn’t pay well where she has to work evenings and most likely weekends.

THAT sucks.

Meanwhile I’m free to experiment with whatever I saw on Chopped this week and if it’s fabulous I can cook it for my friends and if it’s less fabulous NO ONE WILL KNOW.

Screw you for inventing “food choices” as something to feel self conscious about, Thought Catalogue.

In the words of Sailor Moon, which I watch nonstop at home because I CAN because I don’t have to negotiate TV time/choices with anyone,

“I can’t forgive you for taking a time that is enjoyable in a young adults life and assigning to it a negative value system. In the name of the moon,

I shall punish you.”

…with my words.

Here are some signs that you’re single and freaking FABULOUS.

1. You’re free during the day on Saturdays and Sundays. You probably spend these days sleeping because you were out until 4 a.m. the night before. Then when you finally do wake, you pop open a bottle of champagne and deem the day Mimosa Saturday/Sunday. Because you fucking can. You do laundry, or you don’t. You shower, or you don’t. Maybe you’ll get a massage. Maybe you’ll go thrifting. Maybe you’ll try that restaurant you’ve been eyeing every time you drive past it. Come to think of it, you think you have a groupon for it anyway. You hang out with friends or you hole up in your room watching episodes of your shows that you didn’t get to during the week because there is no one there to scrutinize your habits or wheedle you into doing something you don’t fucking feel like doing. You are the arbiter and designer of your weekends. They are absolutely fabulous because they are exactly what you want to do. You think you’ll go searching for organic soap today…

2. You can put whatever weird pattern of sheets/pillowcases/essential oils/blankets/teddy bear/beloved books on your bed that makes your bedspace a welcoming place that you can sink into after a long day. You can turn on the TV as you drift off. You can turn on the fan. You can have absolute silence. You can leave the bedroom door open. You can close it. Hell, you can listen to death metal at full volume if it makes you happy (and your neighbors are cool with it). Here, too, you are able to experiment and find what most fully works for you. Your bed is now YOUR sacred space. You are free to treat it as such and drift off in the way that sets your spirit most at ease.

3. When you go home for the holidays and people ask you why you’re single, you get to answer “because I’m focusing on [school/career]” AND THEN you get to listen to all the praise you’ll garner from all of your relatives who KNOW that building a strong foundation for yourself is a WISE CHOICE for your future.  I defy you to find an old person (at least in my family) who won’t instantly brighten and tell you “good girl/boy. Keep your head on straight and don’t let nobody distract you from your goals.” Keep yourself first. Focus on the things you can control.

4. You get to experiment with your look to find what works for YOU and where you will compromise and where you won’t. I have had more than one boyfriend tell me they don’t like the way I dress. So? Listen boo boo, if you find my look to be anything but fabulous, there’s the door. And another thing. I don’t like shaving. It annoys the crap out of me and most times I forget to do it. To me, it just goes back to inventing more and more things to feel self-conscious about. Leave me alone. I’m hairy and I’m fabulous. It’s winter. You’ll never know anyway.

7. You are focused on the things you can control, and that means this girl/guy right here. You understand that should you meet that game-changer, that world-shaker, you will both compromise to weave your lives together into one beautiful tapestry. But at the same time, tapestries are ornamental and dated. Right now you’re young and you prefer much more of a self-taught, outrageous, Keith Haring kind of decor in your lifespace. When it happens, if it happens, you will reevaluate your style. Until then, you will let your own colors and your own shapes move you, carry you forward.

I’m not going to 15, not because I can’t think of 15 reasons but because I think this post is getting kind of long. I will do 8-15 on another day.

Until then,

Don’t let anyone make you feel like being single is anything but fabulous [side eye: Thought Catalogue]. Go and enjoy your freedom and love all over yourself.

Sincerely,

bryoneyh

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4 responses to “15 Signs You’re Single…and FABULOUS

  1. *Thought Catalog….

  2. Love it. Great reply.

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