The other day I was at a Wiz Khalifa concert, and I wanted to dance.
I wanted to dance,
but I felt self-conscious. Well, it’s not that I felt self-conscious, so much as I felt conscious; I couldn’t forget myself.
I closed my eyes, but I was aware in every moment that I was dancing, that I felt awkward, that I was surrounded by people, and that sometimes strangers laugh at you (just like I sometimes laugh at them).
In that moment, I thought about drinking, and how drinking allows me to dance unselfconsciously.
I read once that the goal isn’t to find yourself, it’s to lose yourself.
I believe that.
I think that in some situations, it’s awareness of self that causes the block, for instance when I’m at a concert and I want to dance but I am also aware that I’ll probably look foolish.
I think there is a way to lay this awareness down sober,
but I also think that substances are a shortcut to it. We want to dance unselfconsciously, but we don’t know the path. Substances instantly move us from crippling awareness to blissful unawareness, and for a moment we can forget selves and just be.
For me, the question then becomes how to get to that place sober? How do I forget self without substance? How do I live completely sober, completely in the moment?