The other day I was at a Wiz Khalifa concert, and I wanted to dance.

I wanted to dance,

but I felt self-conscious. Well, it’s not that I felt self-conscious, so much as I felt conscious; I couldn’t forget myself.

I closed my eyes, but I was aware in every moment that I was dancing, that I felt awkward, that I was surrounded by people, and that sometimes strangers laugh at you (just like I sometimes laugh at them).

In that moment, I thought about drinking, and how drinking allows me to dance unselfconsciously.

I read once that the goal isn’t to find yourself, it’s to lose yourself.

I believe that.

I think that in some situations, it’s awareness of self that causes the block, for instance when I’m at a concert and I want to dance but I am also aware that I’ll probably look foolish.

I think there is a way to lay this awareness down sober,

but I also think that substances are a shortcut to it. We want to dance unselfconsciously, but we don’t know the path. Substances instantly move us from crippling awareness to blissful unawareness, and for a moment we can forget selves and just be.

For me, the question then becomes how to get to that place sober? How do I forget self without substance? How do I live completely sober, completely in the moment?


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