To love harder, quicker: My promise to my new place

Lately, things have taken on a surreal quality.

The countdown is on. I’m officially finished with school. I have to be out of my apartment by the end of the month (I haven’t started packing). Korea in February.

And yet here I sit, right outside the bubble. 

Or I guess more aptly, still inside.

Very soon, I am about to pass through this bubble into the rest of the entire world,

but right now I sit in its soft, refracted light, and everything has taken on a gentle glow. 

I was walking from my final practicum meeting with two ladies in my cohort just a few minutes ago, and they were asking me if I was excited to be graduating.

“I don’t know,” I told them. “I feel kind of sad.” 

I feel kind of sad not only because I’ll be leaving, but because I’ll be leaving them. I do this at every new place, new stage. I’ve had two years to be friends with not only them, but the other students in my cohort too, but I only just started getting close to them this semester.

This makes me sad for the time I wasted, because you never know when you’ll meet your next lifelong friend.

And you never know who could have been, had you had a stronger bond before leaving.

And you can never quite go back to a moment. I’ll never be able to go back to the time when we were all in graduate school together, when we were all teaching together, when we were all here. Together. We’ll go our separate ways and we’ll keep in touch and we may even visit, but we’ll never all be here together again. I could have had two years of that but instead I had only half a year.

Maybe I’m just greedy. I mean, I’ve had an amazing two years, and an amazing time at my university too. I am so sad to be leaving here because this is the first place I picked for myself, and it’s home. There are many people here who I love. There are friends, best friends, family members of friends, neighbors, mentors, relatives of neighbors and mentors. 

But there were also times that I wasted, feeling alone. Feeling lonely. Holding myself back, afraid to branch out/reach out/allow myself to love these wonderful people.

I moved around a lot as a kid, and I ended up becoming someone who kept people at arm’s distance because I couldn’t bear to leave the people I loved.

Now I’ll move around a lot as an adult and I’ll become someone who opens up and loves people instantly because I don’t want to waste a moment not connecting with great people.

You can never quite go back to a moment.

Best not to waste even a second.

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