Is this what leaving feels like?
I’m sitting here, on my mother’s couch, and I’m trying to watch My Lovely Sam-Soon, a K-Drama that I honestly find so endearing. I feel like Sam-Soon, but I think it’s just because she’s kind of meant to be a character that every woman feels she can identify with in that space where she secretly feels like she’s getting it all wrong.
But can laugh at it.
I’m watching this show because I’m moving to Korea in 2 weeks, and people keep telling me to watch K-Dramas (or movies or whatever) and it’ll help me pick up the language. And that is the coolest thing ever. I picked up my passport from the Korean Embassy today; flipping through the pages, I’m finally starting to look cool to myself. I’m finally starting to have a passport book I’ll be proud to own in the future. It’s got stamps from Canada (I begged), Guatemala, Honduras and Belize–and now, it’s got a Korean visa.
I’m finally starting to become who I’ve always wanted to be.
But inside, not-so-secretly, there’s just this anger brewing. I talked to my mom about it because she told me I was “borderline rude” to her today–I told her I’m sorry, I’ve just had this anger growing inside of me for weeks now. It started with a mild irritation with everything and everyone, and I just chalked it up to feeling removed, like how can you really engage with people and things in one place when your mind and heart and body will be on another continent in a couple weeks?
But it’s grown to full-on, full-out anger, the type of anger where I’m sitting here watching K-Drama and squinting because my head hurts because I am just. so. angry.
I want to drink so bad.
I want to drink soooooooooooo bad.
I just keep trying to remind myself that drinking while angry is a terrible idea,
and not to be rude because the people who I am irritated, impatient, frustrated and downright angry with right now will be my lifelines in two weeks when I’m lost and scared and lonely and crying because I’m on another continent and it’s cold and I don’t speak or read the language.
(although it will be fabulous)