there’s this, like, vulnerability to it

I was just now laying in my bed,

just now.

I was just now laying in my bed, my little twin bed from all of those years ago, the one that’s in my mom’s “computer room” now that I sleep in instead of the full-sized bed in my brother’s room because it’s comforting, or something,

and I was praying.

I was praying because I’m no longer fully committed to quitting drinking, which has led to a lot of quarreling within myself and just a huge temptation to drink.

And I was praying because I realized that whatever decision I make, I have to be on one accord within myself about it.

I quit drinking because I was afraid it had/would become a problem for me,

and so I was praying tonight to ask myself/God that question.

If I start to drink again,

will it be a problem?

Will I know my limit? Will I stop there? Will I sip slowly, so that I don’t find myself suddenly blackout wasted?

Will I embarrass myself? Will I be able to forgive myself if I do,

or will I let it turn into a shame spiral, where I lay all of my vulnerabilities out and pick apart myself?

And there was something about that word, vulnerabilities, that really resonated within me,

something that suddenly made everything fall into place.

There is this, like, vulnerability to this thing that I’m doing, this moving overseas. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been my dream for a long time, but now that I’m here I find myself feeling a little unsure in my step.

I guess the crazy thing about starting over, about moving away, about dropping everything about your former identity and presenting/relying solely on who you are in this or that moment,

is that what if they don’t like you?

What if you suck?

What if I move to Korea and I don’t make friends with the other Foreign teachers and I don’t learn the language fast and everyone in Korea thinks I’m fat and rude and I get lost all the time and I’m lonely and I cry and I have no one, no one to blame but myself?

Well I guess in that case,

in that worst case,

I end up sitting up in my mom’s house at 1 a.m. using her lap top to update my blog.

 

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