flashes of insight

two months ago, when i was doing my practicum and working and finishing my last class and studying for orals, i would joke to anyone who would listen that i couldn’t wait to get a break. i told them i just couldn’t see myself ever getting tired of not working.

cut till now. what time is it? what day is it? i have been up the entire night because, as is what often happens these days, i just couldn’t sleep. i laid myself down around 1:30 or 2…..and I got back up at 3:35. F*ck it. I just couldn’t sleep.

Even now, I wonder if after I write this I will be able to peaceably lay my head. I’m tired. I spend a lot of my days tired.

But it’s not an “I’m satisfied with what I did today” tired. It’s just a tired that’s a natural response when you lay yourself down but you can’t fall asleep.

When you’re busy working (and in my case studying) you’re tired because you were out in the world being a person of value for a set amount of hours that day. And I’m not trying to say I’m not a person of value now, 

but this month that I’ve spent “between jobs” has certainly increased my understanding about how incredibly depressing it is not to have a job. And the ways it can throw off simple things, 

like your sleep pattern.

When I was married for 5 minutes two years ago, one of the things my then-husband would say to me is that he couldn’t sleep, he couldn’t sleep. He was unemployed, and, like, long-term unemployed, and he told me that he had “insomnia.” And I was like “wtf you sleep until two, that is not a problem sleeping it’s a lack of discipline and you need to fix it because the fact that you have the luxury to sleep till two is really rubbing in the fact that I’m supporting you to me.”

Because I was working full time and studying (and dealing with a “husband”! Ack!), I was EXHAUSTED all the time. Sleeping till two was in my mind a luxury like eating ice cream and watching Will Ferrell movies all day.

But you know,

that’s cool for, like, a day. After that, I am starting to believe that if you are an adult with  your mental faculties in working order for the most part and even a modicum of self respect,

you just really start to feel like you suck.

And sleep is funny, because you can be dead dog tired, but if you are not at peace, you will not sleep. And nothing puts you ill-at-ease like feeling like a bum.

And what’s really just the most funny or most odd thing about it all is how strange it is how you can suddenly gain a flash of insight into a situation that you had no idea that you didn’t understand, even years later. Life is funny like that. Kind of reminds you that it’s all continuing, that nothing’s ever really finished.

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