Monthly Archives: May 2013

Lost

I wish life were like it is in The Alchemist, where an old king blesses you and tells you to follow the omens, and then they appear.

But it isn’t like that, is it?

Too often, I have found myself in this life searching, questioning, praying, begging, asking, with silence as the only response.

And today I am lost in a foreign country, and I am asking myself once again what I’m doing out where. What am I doing with my life? I had an amazing job offer in the U.S. that I passed up for this dream, this dream of living abroad that is turned out to be nothing but cracks.

I mean sure,

it’s been amazing on the weekends. I’ve met some of the most wonderful people, people whom I would have sought out in the States and people whom I wouldn’t have.

And sure,

it’s definitely boosted my confidence–I am more sure in my ability to get myself home in nearly every situation even if there are language barriers–something that is not to be taken lightly,

but every Monday to Friday I deal with the fact that I made the mistake of trusting a company that was supposed to be trustworthy,

only instead of being trustworthy they stuck me in a job situation where my contract is completely ignored,

and their only advice is deal with it.

And I probably could, except on top of that I have no mentorship, no guidance, only the comfort of being completely ignored–on a good day.

It’s crushing.

What am I doing with my life?

Can I really exist in this environment, where nobody is on my side, for a year?

Am I spoiled? Is this my entitlement showing, that I need someone to be on my side in order to thrive and be happy? 

Should I really be able to make my peace with my contract being ignored and having no one on my side and just live that way for a year?

I can’t decide whether it’s better to quit and not waste my precious moments on this earth in a position that is miserable–

or stick it out and experience whatever growth is on the other side of this barbed-wire rainbow.

If this were The Alchemist, I’d have two stones, and I could reach in my pocket and pull one out and one would be yes and one would be no.

If this were The Alchemist, a man would come up a hill exhausted and I’d get the idea to sell tea from crystal glasses,

then a memory of an old king’s encouragement would tell me to stay on the path to my personal legend–

my dream.

But it’s not The Alchemist, and while I do know my dream (it’s to write) I feel so incredibly lost and insignificant that I’m paralyzed.

I feel more often than not that when I pray it’s only to look inside, because that’s the only place I’ve ever found any real answers,

and then sometimes I feel afraid to pray because in some situations there are no answers–there’s only dealing with it.

There are no answers about why I’m here. Why did I get stuck in this awful situation while everyone else I know is enjoying their schools and have only minor hiccups to deal with.

There are no answers about the other things going on, things I can’t blog about because they don’t only involve me.

Why am I here?

Why did I want to come here so bad?

Or do I really just need to shut a part of myself off Monday-Friday and tell myself that it’s only a year and it has no bearing on my real life anyway?

Because I’ve always been really bad at that,

and in a perfect world I’d love to be an amazing teacher.