Monthly Archives: October 2013

Applying for the position

I just had an epiphany.

I was standing in the teachers’ office making copies. I was thinking of my work situation, and how important it is to be honest.

Today I had a meeting with the head supervisor for my province because my coteacher and I just can’t work it out y’all. And I was talking to him about it and about my job in general, and I was being very honest. I was doing my best to admit my shortcomings while being gracious about hers.

I try to do that in general anyway–it’s a character thing.

But anyway, we then talked about this placement (I am at a very prestigious school) and how it didn’t quite match my inexperience.

Fast forward to later today, as I’m standing there making copies, thinking so much about honesty.

Was I honest in my cover letter to my company? Did I tell them straight-up that although I have this fancy degree, I had no full-time teaching experience?

Probably not, definitely not in so many words.

And then I thought that at age 27, with my fancy degree and my teensie bit of experience, it’s so important to be honest because I’m vetting them too. At this point, I have an idea of the type of work I’d like to do and the environment in which I’d like to do it.

When I was coming up, and especially now that “jobs are scarce,” I think we get told so much to do and say anything so we can get any job, because any job is better than no job. It’s really entitled of me to challenge that, but in my field (TESOL) it’s different. You can’t operate with that mindset because there are plenty of TESOL jobs overseas but many, many of them are shit. You have to interview them in the same way they interview you because once you’re here with a visa your school is sponsoring and a contract, you’re here. You can walk away from the contract, of course……but then you spent so much money and it reflects poorly on you to break your contract and where are you gonna get a job in the U.S. blah blah blah etc. 

….and then of course because I’m me I immediately turned that to relationships. There are so many potential boyfriends out there, but many, many of them are shit.

And that’s why it’s so important to be honest during the dating process–because you’re vetting them too. It’s not just about fear of rejection, it’s about finding the right fit.

I’m sure if my coteacher and I had met face to face before this contract were signed, I would have sensed right away that our energies didn’t align.

 

Effed up…

Why am I so fucked up? She half-prayed, half-asked herself.

She was sitting in the spare bedroom of her apartment on a Korean mattress, hugging her knees.

She had just finished her morning routine of some form of exercise (today, walking—walking seemed to be all she had the energy to do these days) and some form of meditation for 10 minutes (today, transforming negative energy).

For good measure, she’d thrown in the “reading a passage from a spiritual book of some sort” this morning, because she knew she didn’t feel right in her heart or her spirit.

And still it wasn’t enough, because as she was wrapping up the passage from Love without Conditions, after she had made the obligatory facebook update with something deep and meaningful, her bones, her hollow parts inside, still called for her to pray.

Even though prayer was all but meaningless to her these days, she knew to heed that call, and so there she sat, even though it was just about time to get up and start getting ready for work.

She hugged her knees to her chest, and she asked God and herself why she was so weak? Why did she repeat the same patterns? Why was she so fucked up?

And then she listened when a stern voice answered that she was not fucked up—that “fucked up” was an excuse, and that she was no longer allowed to excuse herself in that way.

She repeated that mantra.

“I am not fucked up. Fucked up is an excuse. I will no longer allow myself the luxury of being fucked up.

“I am a perfectly sane person with completely legitimate and valid reasons for my behaviors. I will no longer allow myself the luxury of sweeping them under the rug of ‘fucked up.’”

And then she took a deep breath and asked herself what was really wrong.

And settled on that she was scared.