Monthly Archives: March 2018

help

This is very much a cry for help. You would not know it by my instagram, but I am in the deepest = hole of my life. Five months ago, the man I thought I would marry dumped me by leaving me in Paris on my birthday. I was in Paris to visit him. He abandoned me because he was overwhelmed with my emotions. This confirmed everything dark I ever knew about myself–that I’m ugly inside, fundamentally broken, and that anyone who sees this will leave me.

I tried to forgive him. He tried to come back to me. For the next three months, he couldn’t decide if he wanted me or not and I stood there and tried to prove that I was want-able. But I couldn’t hold it in the end. I lost control of my emotions, rage overtook me, and I went off on him in such an angry manner that he wanted no contact with me. We had no contact for two months, then I drunkenly called him. He was asking me details about my personal life. He made sure to tell me, quite out of the blue, that he didn’t love me anymore. I lost it again, for like two days,

I can’t hold the walls of my psychology up anymore. I take everything and twist it to make it negative. I need to be around family, but I don’t feel like I have a family. I don’t feel like I will ever have a family.

This is very much a cry for help. Someone help me. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be here anymore. I don’t want to be here anymore guys, I can’t get out of this hole. I can’t get out of my head. I can’t trust my thoughts. It’s no one’s job to keep me alive. None of my coping tools are enough.

Guys.

This is very much a cry for help.

Someone please help me. I can’t do it for myself. My friends are trying but it’s not their jobs and I’m so far away and I’m scared to leave my cushy job and comfortable life for the unknown but I know I need to leave or I won’t survive this. It’s killing me. I’m down to like 120 pounds. I’m wasting away, I’m smoking cigarettes–chain smoking. I was never a smoker. I’m drinking too much. I’m not gonna be here much longer. I just can’t do it this time. I can’t pull myself out again.

This. Is. Very. Much. A. Cry. For. Help. Please, someone or something help me because I can’t help myself. I have two therapists. I’m on meds. I sleep. I eat my veggies. I exercise. I swim. I spend time with people. But I’m not getting better this time. It’s not working. I’m so tired. I’m so so so so so tired. It’s been so hard. It’s been so hard for me for my entire life and I keep getting into these holes of blackness and I keep getting out but I can’t do it anymore. I’m 31. I thought I was safe. I thought the blackness was over but it’s never over. It always comes for me again. I need too much. I’m too emotional. I see things wrong. My mind twists things. I can’t fight what’s in my own head. It’s all wrong. Everything I do is wrong. Everything I touch is wrong. Please help me, someone. Please.

Advertisements