Well,
Unfortunately I believe that when you mess up in public you have to apologize in public. The last thing I wrote on this blog was driven by hurt and anger and, like, a desire to make someone feel as bad as I did.
It did not help me heal, it certainly didn’t help her heal, and I’m pretty sure I caused a lot of hurt to someone who is doing the best they can with the tools and experiences and resources they possess–like everyone else in the world, including me. And including my parents.
I’m sorry, mom. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you for staying.
I’ve been cocooning lately because the last couple years have been a time of tremendous growth for me. In that time, I lost a parent, which fundamentally altered me and forced me to grow up immediately.
And I changed.
And I know to some, that sudden and complete change was bewildering because on October 9, 2022, I went to bed with a childish mind and heart. But on October 10, 2022, when I got the news that my dad had passed,
I put childish things behind me.
There is a level of seriousness that can’t be undone when you feel and know in your heart and soul and gut that the people who made you will leave eventually–if you’re lucky. If you’re unlucky, or they’re unlucky, you’ll leave them.
As a part of my cocooning, I’ve been deep diving into Dolores Cannon. She’s something of a metaphysical researcher, if your world paradigm allows for that concept. Mine does.
Tonight,
The chapter talked about pain, the purpose of pain as a teaching tool, and jumping from a space of “learning through pain” versus “learning through love.”
I mean, think about it. No pain, no gain. Ours is a time where the vibe of learning and growing yourself is very much shaped around pain. We do some things to avoid pain, and we do others to create pain because we believe that we have to have that pain to drive us toward the outcome we think we want.
I always, always felt like I felt things too deeply. I always felt like I was in so much pain. I felt mental anguish from a highly active but undisciplined mind. I felt emotional pain from allll of my internal experiences being so different from the external expectations. I felt physical pain, because something about my body just be hurting man, ever since I was a little kid. When I was 10, it was daily stomach aches–real sharp pains. When I was a teenager, it was daily headaches. As a younger woman, it was pain in my throat, my back, my abdomen, my feet, plus the fatigue. And so on and so forth.
I felt spiritual pain because who doesn’t here, separated from each other, cut off from our true nature, unaware of our history or capabilities? Trapped in these paradigms that we made up? It hurts.
I’ve also had some key moments in my life where people would approach me, out of the blue, and just tell me things like I have a calling on my life, and that I have a tremendous amount of strength available to me–so much more than I could even begin to conceive.
When I lived in Qatar and went through my terrible breakup where I lost like 30 pounds and nearly left my body and this earthly plane for real, my yoga teacher started to (gently) tease me and call me the Queen of Pain, lmao.
I wanted to quit and leave this lonely, slow, painful human experience so badly that I never, ever, not in my wildest dreams, ever saw any version of the “future” where I was in it.
But when your heart is broken, it’s open by the nature of it being broken, and during that time I completed my yoga teacher training course, where I learned that if you tap out of life before you finish your mission you have to come back and start allllllllll over again as a baby, with all of the lessons you learned in this life hidden from your conscious mind.
I said oh hell nah, only thing that sounds worse to me than sticking things out here is coming back and starting over, so if I gotta grow I gotta grow.
Tonight, the book I was listening to–yes, I love audiobooks, I get to both learn and rest my eyes–explained the purpose of that pain.
I was given this pain so I could learn how to transmute it and arrive at a higher truth, which is that I can live the rest of my life, make my mistakes, and learn my lessons from a space of love. To show it could be done.
And now I get to put that pain behind me and live the rest of my life standing on the business of love, because I earned it. Because as badly as it hurt, not only did I stick it out, but I freaking expanded. And now I know that there is no limit to my expansion–my ability to love, to grow, to develop, to know, is only limited by the limits I impose on myself.
Yours, too.
See the thing is: We are all the same. We’re made of the same stuff, we contain the same divine spark. We’re at different parts of our journey, but we’re all on the same journey, which is to gather experiences and information and then ride the divine spiral up to the light and oneness and reemerge with that from whence we came.
You can do that from a place of pain, or you can do it from a place of love. I did it from a place of pain, and I earned my reward. Now I’m doing it from a place of knowing. Of love.
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