36

Well,

I’d say that this last year (AY 2021-2022) was one of my lowest. But, the good thing about being at your lowest is there’s nowhere to go but up.

Whew, 35 was such a hard age for me! IDK why, but that year demanded every lesson and survival skill and shred of resilience I have learned in my life.

I’m so grateful.

I’m grateful that I was shocked by how hard it is to build a life in the U.S. because it means that I was shielded from a lot of the bad that goes down here every second of every moment of every day.

I’m grateful I never found a job as a full-time copywriter because if I had, I wouldn’t have found technical writing and UX writing.

When I was a little girl, I wanted to be free. It was my heart’s highest calling and its purest song. As a kid, I didn’t think about the implications of being free–having few possessions, having no dependants. As an adult, I think about my ancestors.

I wonder if the slave learning to read by candlelight in massa’s cabin ever dreamed that one of her descendents would be a woman who was allowed to be childfree and unmarried at 36. A woman who goes to bed at night when she’s tired and wakes up when she’s finished sleeping. A woman who reads and writes and drives and has a bank account and who has credit which yes she fucked up on frivolous girly stuff, but my god, a woman who has the freedom to fuck up her credit and the luxury to make mistakes.

I tell myself I’m my ancestors’ wildest dreams, but even in their wildest dreams–or worst nightmares–I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t have known enough to conceive of me.

I only learned about the State of Qatar when I applied to work there. 15-year-old me didn’t know what the TESOL profession was, and she didn’t know dick about the Middle East to picture herself living there.

I am–

we all are–

limited by our perceptions and schema and educations in what good we can even ask for ourselves and our loved ones.

I want control of something, anything, so badly omg. Life and time and space do not bend themselves to my will and I am honestly flabbergasted at their audacity. But I’m learning to cope.

I’m learning that things change. Circumstances change. Relationships change. I’m learning that the enlightened sage doesn’t avoid tough times, she faces them with a calm mind, a dirty joke, and a hint of smile.

Show me how good it gets from here. I had my childhood and my young adulthood, and my god I did the absolute most I or anyone around me could think to do with my young adulthood. Now I’m ready to work. I’m ready to pour my time and energy into building a better future for the younguns. Let’s see what happens.

Amen / Ameen